How to Behave Like a Grown Man on Thanksgiving Eve

Photograph c/o Everett Collection

The fourth Wednesday of November is widely known as the biggest bar night of the year. For most, the night before Thanksgiving, a.k.a Thanksgiving Eve, is the kickoff to the most indulgent and gluttonous four day weekend of the year. You leave behind your job, reputation, and everything you’ve built as an adult and pick up where you left off in your hometown. It’s a perfect storm of hardly any work responsibilities and not having to see anyone you go out with until Christmas. The annual unofficial high school reunion usually results in excessive intake of tryptophan and mashed potatoes to bury the next day in hopes of curing the excruciating hangover you may have earned.

And although your mother may be fully accepting of the scent of your cologne with undernotes of tequila during Grace at this point, it’s time to figure out how to enjoy Thanksgiving Eve and remember it this year.

Before You Go

  • Drink water. Before you resort to your 19-year old ways and pop that beer in the shower, hydrate. If you’ve been hungover at the table deflecting your father’s disappointed glances every year, at least attempt progress this time around.
  • Plan to have or be a designated driver, or take a cab or an Uber. While this may not help with your hangover, it will, like, you know … keep you and your friends alive.
  • While you’re picking out your outfit for the night consider laying out (and even ironing if necessary) your turkey day ‘fit, too. Should you totally disregard this and end up inconsolably hungover, this will allow for extra valuable minutes of sleep in the morning.
  • By this stage in November, you probably have a healthy beard. Groom it properly and flourish on Thanksgiving Eve, unless your beard doesn’t connect after growing it all month. In which case, you should clean it up and shave. This will also cut a step out of getting ready in the morning. No beard is better than overgrown patches of a beard. (Consider a mustache, maybe?)

While You’re There

  • Drink water. Buy the first round of shots — it’s the only one worth remembering. That said, under no circumstances should you blackout in public. Don’t scream, “Shots, shots, shots, shots!” even if whatever underpaid DJ plays that Lil Jon song that’s 10 years old. And for the love of God, if Journey comes on, order an Uber. Do not give your bartender a hard time. It’s the biggest bar night of the year which means it’s amateur hour from sunset to last call and all the creeps are out, too. Tip your bartender generously. Even if you had to wait a little longer than you would’ve liked. Further, if you start out with a healthy tip on that first round of shots I recommended you buy, the bartender will probably pay you special attention throughout the entirety of the evening.
  • Since we’re talking about the people that are working on this absurdly busy evening, don’t give security a hard time. You’re more likely to get the boot on a night like this, and do not make any requests to the DJ that don’t come with at least a $5 bill slipped to them.
  • Enjoy yourself. Look out for your friends. Don’t be a liability, and do not forget — Instagram stories might only last for 24 hours, but screenshots are forever.

When You Get Home

  • Drink more water. (Water is one of the key ingredients to a grown-ass man. It’s just a fact.)
  • Commit to not being useless in the morning. Take a tylenol before you go to bed, and maybe don’t bring your high school sweetheart to your parents’ house late night. If you want to be really ambitious, set an alarm. It doesn’t have to be early, but it may be worth it to get in the shower before everyone else that needs to get ready, too.
  • Leave time to stop at the liquor store tomorrow so you can bring a bottle of wine and flowers to whoever is hosting your dinner. Hold babies and help clear the table, and you will have successfully made it through your Thanksgiving following a seamless Thanksgiving Eve.
Rae Witte